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Scott Hollifield: What every office needs – a scorpion in a box

What every office needs – a scorpion in a box

  • icon Posted: April 24

Recent Headlines

Friday 04/10/2015
Scott Hollifield: And now, an anti-drug public service announcement from the media
Posted: April 10, 2015

Move over bath salts and make way for flakka, the newest drug guaranteed to make those who ingest it run naked through a Walmart parking lot covered in neon green spray paint and chicken blood.

Friday 04/03/2015
Scott Hollifield: Monkey Action News Team MIA on breaking story
Posted: April 03, 2015

America – and I am specifically referring to the small portion of America that reads this column each week hoping to get the latest monkey news – the Monkey Action News Team failed you.

Friday 03/27/2015
Scott Hollifield: The Carolina Butcher, everyone’s favorite crocodylomorph
Posted: March 27, 2015

The Carolina Butcher was a fearsome beast.

Friday 03/20/2015
Scott Hollifield: A terrible noise can build character
Posted: March 20, 2015

It was the inevitable car-trouble phone call to a dad who had been dreading the inevitable car-trouble phone call.

Friday 03/06/2015
Scott Hollifield: New hospital guidelines say yes to dogs, no to cats
Posted: March 06, 2015

New hospital recommendations: Dogs yes, cats no

Friday 02/27/2015
Scott Hollifield: Anger doesn't make the heart grow fonder
Updated: February 27, 2015 - 4:53 pm

According to new research, the risk of a heart attack is 8.5 times higher in the two hours following a bout of intense, fist-clenching rage than in the two hours following something less emotionally stressful, such as watching a monkey ride a dog like a horse on YouTube.

Friday 02/20/2015
Scott Hollifield: Crushing hopes and dreams, one email at a time
Posted: February 20, 2015

About 800 applicants to one of Carnegie Mellon’s esteemed computer science programs were thrilled to learn they had been accepted to the prestigious Pittsburgh-based university until they learned they were not.

Friday 02/06/2015
Scott Hollifield: Oh, those pesky government hand-washing rules
Posted: February 06, 2015

According to legend, 19th century Prussian statesman Otto von Bismarck once quipped, “Laws are like sausages. It is better not to see them being made.”

Friday 01/30/2015
Scott Hollifield: We the people demand what?
Posted: January 30, 2015

In the dead of winter when the skies are gray and the cold wind cuts to the bone, what does an idea-depleted humor columnist struggling with seasonal depression do when staring at a blank Word document and facing an impending deadline?

Scott Hollifield: Who knew? Study says massive amounts of pizza could be bad
Posted: January 30, 2015

Here is shocking news for anyone unfamiliar with both kids and restaurants named Chuck E. Cheese, Pizza Hutt, Pizza Inn, Little Caesars, CiCi’s or Papa John’s: Kids eat a massive amount of pizza.

Friday 01/16/2015
Scott Hollifield: The thrift store ballad of Pete and Billy
Posted: January 16, 2015

I could not let Pete and Billie’s 25th anniversary commemorative wooden plaque sit there unclaimed at the end-of-the-line thrift store among the broken and bruised items.

Friday 01/09/2015
Scott Hollifield: Beware of killer bras and red-hot monkeys
Posted: January 09, 2015

Are you enjoying your Christmas gifts?

Friday 01/02/2015
Scott Hollifield: The 2015 Year in Preview
Posted: January 02, 2015

Better late than never, it’s once again time for my annual predictions for the coming year, an always welcome respite from the boat load of year-end stories about what happened when you already know what happened and would like to know what’s going to happen and just how deep it will get.

Monday 12/29/2014
Scott Hollifield: The saga of the aloe plant -- the rest of the story
Posted: December 29, 2014

It’s a Christmas miracle.

Friday 12/12/2014
Scott Hollifield: Dangerous toys 2014 -- the naughty list
Posted: December 12, 2014

Oh, you better watch out!

Friday 12/05/2014
Scott Hollifield: Make off like a Bandit at this auction
Posted: December 05, 2014

Burt Reynolds has a lot of stuff, but he will have less stuff Dec. 11-12 when Julien’s Auctions in Las Vegas sells off more than 600 items from the life and career of the 78-year-old mustachioed screen legend who may or may not need the cash.

Wednesday 11/26/2014
Scott Hollifield: Saying goodbye to an old, green friend
Posted: November 26, 2014

My work companion of 23 years, there to greet me every day, rain or shine or partly sunny with a slight chance of afternoon showers, is gone.

Friday 11/14/2014
Scott Hollifield: Alleged senior consumer affairs correspondent offers Black Friday tips
Posted: November 14, 2014

Black Friday, when excited shoppers trample to death slower excited shoppers to grab a Transformers Age of Extinction Stomp and Chomp Grimlock figure or a My First Disney Princess Frozen Snow Glow Elsa doll, is rapidly approaching.

Friday 11/07/2014
Scott Hollifield: Monkey Action News Team responds to urgent email
Posted: November 07, 2014

When I opened an urgent email from a reader named Debbi, I knew exactly what to do.

Friday 10/24/2014
Scott Hollifield: And now, a word from the Office Ebola Czar
Posted: October 24, 2014

Believing the Ebola outbreak had not caused a sufficient level of in-house panic among my co-workers, I recently named myself Office Ebola Czar and issued the following memorandum:

Tuesday 10/21/2014
Scott Hollifield: Caffeinated underwear? It doesn't work - so try this
Posted: October 21, 2014

When it comes to losing weight and getting into shape, caffeinated underwear is surprisingly no help at all, according to the Federal Trade Commission.

Friday 10/10/2014
Scott Hollifield: College tour leaves me in a school daze
Posted: October 10, 2014

In college today, magic boxes are stuffed with jumbo cheeseburgers and tiny bottles of energy.

Friday 09/19/2014
Scott Hollifield: Cookies are better from a dollar-store plate
Posted: September 19, 2014

Here is something I learned: When it comes to food, presentation is important.

Friday 09/12/2014
Scott Hollifield: Mater-haters putting the squeeze on ketchup
Posted: September 12, 2014

Ketchup is under attack and this time ISIS isn’t the threat, although they probably hate ketchup, too.

Friday 08/29/2014
Scott Hollifield: The portrait at the end of the line
Posted: August 29, 2014

I was at an end-of-the-line thrift store, the place where items that don’t sell at regular thrift stores go to be heaped into bins for one last public mauling before they chipped up, melted down or shot into space, though one of those final outcomes may not be as commonplace as the others.

Tuesday 08/26/2014
Scott Hollifield: First college class -- Light Bulbs 101
Posted: August 26, 2014

It was the first phone call home from our newly minted college student, coming less than 24 hours after we unpacked her belongings, shook her hand, wished her well and told her to write when she could.

Tuesday 08/19/2014
Scott Hollifield: On the road to higher education
Posted: August 19, 2014

Our daughter is inheriting my wife’s car to begin her college adventure.

Saturday 08/09/2014
Scott Hollifield: People will steal anything, but James Taylor fans won't steal these
Posted: August 09, 2014

As I have said before, people will steal anything.

Friday 08/01/2014
Scott Hollifield: Flashback 2001 -- cruel and unusual punishment
Posted: August 01, 2014

Editor’s note: Scott Hollifield was preparing this week for his daughter’s departure for college (weeping, writing checks, etc.) This edited column was originally published in 2001 when his daughter was 4 years old.

Friday 07/25/2014
Scott Hollifield: Space Q&A -- It's not rocket science
Updated: August 01, 2014 - 3:14 pm

Six days before the 45th anniversary of astronaut Neil Armstrong’s “small step” onto the surface of the moon, a NASA astronomer made a bold prediction.

Friday 07/18/2014
Scott Hollifield: Risky business at the CDC
Posted: July 18, 2014

The situation at the CDC isn’t A-OK and officials must take corrective measures ASAP before we all end up sicker than a DOG.

Friday 07/11/2014
Scott Hollifield: The great robot invasion has begun
Posted: July 11, 2014

As I predicted in a column back in July 1951 headlined “Robots will soon take over the world,” robots are taking over the world, or at least my portion of the world.

Friday 07/04/2014
Scott Hollifield: The soundtrack for our work lives
Posted: July 04, 2014

In nearly three decades at a small-town newspaper, the one true constant has been the blare of the police scanner.

Thursday 06/26/2014
Scott Hollifield: When the fireworks fizzle, a change is needed
Posted: June 26, 2014

Independence Day will soon arrive with a bang.

Thursday 06/12/2014
Scott Hollifield: And now, the rest of the story...
Posted: June 12, 2014

Update: Cosmically speaking, I am still $20 in the hole.

Thursday 06/05/2014
Scott Hollifield: Memo highlights stuff everyone needs to stop doing
Posted: June 05, 2014

Out in Spokane, Wash., Sheriff Ozzie Knezovich wants to make this perfectly clear: Serve and protect but keep your pants on.

Tuesday 05/27/2014
Scott Hollifield: No Bigfoot, maniacs or killers allowed
Posted: May 27, 2014

My daughter will graduate from high school on June 13 and leave for college in the fall. That’s given me the opportunity to take a look back at some old columns in which she was the reluctant subject. I hope you enjoy this one from 2004.

Thursday 05/15/2014
Scott Hollifield: Godzilla is back and he is lawyered up
Posted: May 15, 2014

What’s the most impressive thing about Godzilla?

Thursday 05/08/2014
Scott Hollifield: I can read people, kiddo -- sometimes
Posted: May 08, 2014

Twenty bucks later, I realize I may not be as good at reading people as I thought.

Tuesday 05/06/2014
Scott Hollifield: Time machine will correct 49-year-old lapse in news judgment
Posted: May 06, 2014

If I had a time machine, the first thing I would do is go back to 1965 and ask the head honchos of the newspaper for which I now toil why no one on staff bothered to walk a few blocks to the Post Office at 3 p.m. on Nov. 13 and take a picture of “the world’s strongest wrestler” pulling a car through town by his hair.

Thursday 04/24/2014
Scott Hollifield: Kids, murder neck tattoo is a bad idea
Posted: April 24, 2014

As a man who has learned a few things in nearly 50 years on the planet, I sometimes like to use this space to offer words of wisdom to our youngest readers, who, considering the newspaper industry’s current demographics, are around 47 years old.

Thursday 04/10/2014
Scott Hollifield: The concert that didn't twerk out
Posted: April 10, 2014

Miley Cyrus owes me $30.44.

Thursday 04/03/2014
Scott Hollifield: The search for the magic porcupine stones
Posted: April 03, 2014

It’s still early, but here is my favorite Associated Press story of the month: A Maine man hunting for wild mushrooms sees a porcupine hit and killed by a car, cuts the porcupine open in search of a magic stone that reportedly forms inside porcupines but instead finds an unresponsive baby porcupine, which he massages back to life and takes home to bottle feed before he turns it over to a licensed wildlife rehabilitator.

Thursday 03/27/2014
Scott Hollifield: A quick look at a magical place called Toad Suck
Posted: March 27, 2014

Recently, according to ABC News, a woman was briefly jailed and charged with child endangerment – a charge that was later dropped – when a waitress at a restaurant in Conway, Ark. called the cops after seeing her simultaneously drinking booze and breastfeeding a baby.

Thursday 03/20/2014
Scott Hollifield: Pity the man with (o)possum problems
Posted: March 20, 2014

O, do I have a possum problem.

Tuesday 03/18/2014
Scott Hollifield: Dirty bellybutton rings shock and appall
Posted: March 18, 2014

Editor’s note: Scott Hollifield claims he was too busy arm wrestling Vladimir Putin in an effort to end the crisis in the Ukraine this week to write a new column. Enjoy this one first published in 2004.

Monday 03/10/2014
Scott Hollifield: The woeful tale of The Bear in the Cave
Posted: March 10, 2014


Thursday 02/27/2014
Scott Hollifield: Waste not, want not, even with roadkill
Posted: February 27, 2014

In 1928, Herbert Hoover’s party promised a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage. Eighty-six years later, Texas political hopeful Tink Nathan wants roadkill in every garage, awaiting every pot.

Thursday 02/20/2014
Scott Hollifield: Sled theft is a cold and calculated crime
Posted: February 20, 2014

There is nothing more low down and despicable than a dirty, rotten sled thief.


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