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Scott Hollifield: And now, a word from the Office Ebola Czar

Believing the Ebola outbreak had not caused a sufficient level of in-house panic among my co-workers, I recently named myself Office Ebola Czar and issued the following memorandum:

  • icon Posted: October 24

Recent Headlines

Tuesday 10/21/2014
Scott Hollifield: Caffeinated underwear? It doesn't work - so try this
Posted: October 21, 2014

When it comes to losing weight and getting into shape, caffeinated underwear is surprisingly no help at all, according to the Federal Trade Commission.

Friday 10/10/2014
Scott Hollifield: College tour leaves me in a school daze
Posted: October 10, 2014

In college today, magic boxes are stuffed with jumbo cheeseburgers and tiny bottles of energy.

Friday 09/19/2014
Scott Hollifield: Cookies are better from a dollar-store plate
Posted: September 19, 2014

Here is something I learned: When it comes to food, presentation is important.

Friday 09/12/2014
Scott Hollifield: Mater-haters putting the squeeze on ketchup
Posted: September 12, 2014

Ketchup is under attack and this time ISIS isn’t the threat, although they probably hate ketchup, too.

Friday 08/29/2014
Scott Hollifield: The portrait at the end of the line
Posted: August 29, 2014

I was at an end-of-the-line thrift store, the place where items that don’t sell at regular thrift stores go to be heaped into bins for one last public mauling before they chipped up, melted down or shot into space, though one of those final outcomes may not be as commonplace as the others.

Tuesday 08/26/2014
Scott Hollifield: First college class -- Light Bulbs 101
Posted: August 26, 2014

It was the first phone call home from our newly minted college student, coming less than 24 hours after we unpacked her belongings, shook her hand, wished her well and told her to write when she could.

Tuesday 08/19/2014
Scott Hollifield: On the road to higher education
Posted: August 19, 2014

Our daughter is inheriting my wife’s car to begin her college adventure.

Saturday 08/09/2014
Scott Hollifield: People will steal anything, but James Taylor fans won't steal these
Posted: August 09, 2014

As I have said before, people will steal anything.

Friday 08/01/2014
Scott Hollifield: Flashback 2001 -- cruel and unusual punishment
Posted: August 01, 2014

Editor’s note: Scott Hollifield was preparing this week for his daughter’s departure for college (weeping, writing checks, etc.) This edited column was originally published in 2001 when his daughter was 4 years old.

Friday 07/25/2014
Scott Hollifield: Space Q&A -- It's not rocket science
Updated: August 01, 2014 - 3:14 pm

Six days before the 45th anniversary of astronaut Neil Armstrong’s “small step” onto the surface of the moon, a NASA astronomer made a bold prediction.

Friday 07/18/2014
Scott Hollifield: Risky business at the CDC
Posted: July 18, 2014

The situation at the CDC isn’t A-OK and officials must take corrective measures ASAP before we all end up sicker than a DOG.

Friday 07/11/2014
Scott Hollifield: The great robot invasion has begun
Posted: July 11, 2014

As I predicted in a column back in July 1951 headlined “Robots will soon take over the world,” robots are taking over the world, or at least my portion of the world.

Friday 07/04/2014
Scott Hollifield: The soundtrack for our work lives
Posted: July 04, 2014

In nearly three decades at a small-town newspaper, the one true constant has been the blare of the police scanner.

Thursday 06/26/2014
Scott Hollifield: When the fireworks fizzle, a change is needed
Posted: June 26, 2014

Independence Day will soon arrive with a bang.

Thursday 06/12/2014
Scott Hollifield: And now, the rest of the story...
Posted: June 12, 2014

Update: Cosmically speaking, I am still $20 in the hole.

Thursday 06/05/2014
Scott Hollifield: Memo highlights stuff everyone needs to stop doing
Posted: June 05, 2014

Out in Spokane, Wash., Sheriff Ozzie Knezovich wants to make this perfectly clear: Serve and protect but keep your pants on.

Tuesday 05/27/2014
Scott Hollifield: No Bigfoot, maniacs or killers allowed
Posted: May 27, 2014

My daughter will graduate from high school on June 13 and leave for college in the fall. That’s given me the opportunity to take a look back at some old columns in which she was the reluctant subject. I hope you enjoy this one from 2004.

Thursday 05/15/2014
Scott Hollifield: Godzilla is back and he is lawyered up
Posted: May 15, 2014

What’s the most impressive thing about Godzilla?

Thursday 05/08/2014
Scott Hollifield: I can read people, kiddo -- sometimes
Posted: May 08, 2014

Twenty bucks later, I realize I may not be as good at reading people as I thought.

Tuesday 05/06/2014
Scott Hollifield: Time machine will correct 49-year-old lapse in news judgment
Posted: May 06, 2014

If I had a time machine, the first thing I would do is go back to 1965 and ask the head honchos of the newspaper for which I now toil why no one on staff bothered to walk a few blocks to the Post Office at 3 p.m. on Nov. 13 and take a picture of “the world’s strongest wrestler” pulling a car through town by his hair.

Thursday 04/24/2014
Scott Hollifield: Kids, murder neck tattoo is a bad idea
Posted: April 24, 2014

As a man who has learned a few things in nearly 50 years on the planet, I sometimes like to use this space to offer words of wisdom to our youngest readers, who, considering the newspaper industry’s current demographics, are around 47 years old.

Thursday 04/10/2014
Scott Hollifield: The concert that didn't twerk out
Posted: April 10, 2014

Miley Cyrus owes me $30.44.

Thursday 04/03/2014
Scott Hollifield: The search for the magic porcupine stones
Posted: April 03, 2014

It’s still early, but here is my favorite Associated Press story of the month: A Maine man hunting for wild mushrooms sees a porcupine hit and killed by a car, cuts the porcupine open in search of a magic stone that reportedly forms inside porcupines but instead finds an unresponsive baby porcupine, which he massages back to life and takes home to bottle feed before he turns it over to a licensed wildlife rehabilitator.

Thursday 03/27/2014
Scott Hollifield: A quick look at a magical place called Toad Suck
Posted: March 27, 2014

Recently, according to ABC News, a woman was briefly jailed and charged with child endangerment – a charge that was later dropped – when a waitress at a restaurant in Conway, Ark. called the cops after seeing her simultaneously drinking booze and breastfeeding a baby.

Thursday 03/20/2014
Scott Hollifield: Pity the man with (o)possum problems
Posted: March 20, 2014

O, do I have a possum problem.

Tuesday 03/18/2014
Scott Hollifield: Dirty bellybutton rings shock and appall
Posted: March 18, 2014

Editor’s note: Scott Hollifield claims he was too busy arm wrestling Vladimir Putin in an effort to end the crisis in the Ukraine this week to write a new column. Enjoy this one first published in 2004.

Monday 03/10/2014
Scott Hollifield: The woeful tale of The Bear in the Cave
Posted: March 10, 2014

By SCOTT HOLLIFIELD

Thursday 02/27/2014
Scott Hollifield: Waste not, want not, even with roadkill
Posted: February 27, 2014

In 1928, Herbert Hoover’s party promised a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage. Eighty-six years later, Texas political hopeful Tink Nathan wants roadkill in every garage, awaiting every pot.

Thursday 02/20/2014
Scott Hollifield: Sled theft is a cold and calculated crime
Posted: February 20, 2014

There is nothing more low down and despicable than a dirty, rotten sled thief.

Friday 02/07/2014
Scott Hollifield: When in doubt, pick up the nickel
Posted: February 07, 2014

Here’s a helpful household hint: Sucking a nickel into a decades-old upright vacuum cleaner will produce a smell akin to setting fire to a recap tire and a sound one might associate with feeding an aluminum baseball bat into a wood chipper.

Thursday 01/30/2014
Scott Hollifield: America demands answers on dangerous cow gas
Posted: January 30, 2014

The American public, at least the miniscule portion that regularly reads this column in some of the finest newspapers still operating in the mostly rural South, has demanded it and I intend to give it to them: an in-depth, no-holds-barred investigation into the explosive dangers of cow flatulence.

Thursday 01/23/2014
Scott Hollifield: When the big screen goes dark
Posted: January 23, 2014

For the first time in 100 years, my town has no movie theater.

Thursday 01/16/2014
Scott Hollifield: A hero dog with a backup plan
Posted: January 16, 2014

My dog has until Feb. 28 to prove herself a hero and win both of us a trip to Hollywood, a pocketful of cash for our favorite charity (The Scott Hollifield Foundation for Underpaid Columnists) and a star-studded night on the town with the sexy and vivacious Miss Betty White.

Thursday 01/09/2014
Scott Hollifield: Opinions differ on greatest weekend ever
Posted: January 09, 2014

According to a news release I received in my professional newspaper editor’s official email inbox, most Americans believe the greatest weekend ever — I repeat, the greatest weekend ever to be experienced by anyone on the face of the planet – would be spent schmoozing with a sports celebrity and slurping barbecue sauce.

Thursday 01/02/2014
Scott Hollifield: New 2014 laws explained, sort of
Posted: January 02, 2014

The clock on the wall says it’s 2014 — I have one of those fancy yearly clocks — and a plethora of new laws are in effect across the nation.

Friday 12/20/2013
Scott Hollifield: 2014, the Year in Preview, Part I
Posted: December 20, 2013

I will need complete silence while I gaze into my brand new crystal ball — it’s a 50-inch, LED 1080p model I bought on Black Friday after trampling an elderly woman and kicking a small child in a stroller out of the way to grab it first — and predict the major events of 2014.

Thursday 12/12/2013
Scott Hollifield: Rarely a good place to be so frequently
Posted: December 12, 2013

While on my knees in a parking lot — rarely a good place to be — I learned that library patrons, in addition to being some of our more literate citizens, are quite observant.

Thursday 12/05/2013
Scott Hollifield: 49th annual letter to Santa
Posted: December 05, 2013

Dear Santa,

Thursday 11/28/2013
Scott Hollifield: Once again, danger lurks in toybox
Posted: November 28, 2013

This time each year we can count on three things: Leftover turkey sandwiches, horrific stories of shoppers trampled at Black Friday sales and the new list of the top 10 toys most likely to send Junior to the emergency room with a knot on his head or worse.

Thursday 11/14/2013
Scott Hollifield: Take a sick day -- you deserve it
Updated: November 14, 2013 - 5:13 pm

Head hurt?

Thursday 11/07/2013
Scott Hollifield: Ron gets a dim bulb on the line
Posted: November 07, 2013

By SCOTT HOLLIFIELD

Thursday 10/31/2013
Scott Hollifield: Monkey Action News Team back by semi-popular demand
Posted: October 31, 2013

It was a wildly enthusiastic email from a reader that caused me to spring into action. (I hurt my back while springing awkwardly and will file a workers’ comp claim soon after the completion of this piece.)

Thursday 10/24/2013
Scott Hollifield: Attack of the Not-So-Giant Spider
Posted: October 24, 2013

To me, the scream sounded like someone being attacked by a rabid, radioactive, ax-wielding, fire-breathing shark.

Thursday 10/17/2013
Scott Hollifield: Step right up and win a free kitten
Posted: October 17, 2013

There is nothing people love more at a street festival than winning a kitten in a game of chance.

Thursday 10/10/2013
Scott Hollifield: Polls popular, pols not
Posted: October 10, 2013

According to a recent survey, people enjoy polls.

Thursday 10/03/2013
Scott Hollifield: The Great Government Shutdown of 2013 -- a future history report
Posted: October 03, 2013

My Report

Thursday 09/26/2013
Scott Hollifield: Experts say think before you flush
Posted: September 26, 2013

America is facing a toilet-related crisis.

Thursday 09/19/2013
Scott Hollifield: Lost retainer no-brainer -- There will be a replacement charge
Posted: September 19, 2013

I knew the moment the orthodontist pried the metal braces from my daughter’s newly straightened teeth, handed her the molded removable retainers that would keep his expensive handiwork in place that those retainers would eventually disappear.

Thursday 09/12/2013
Scott Hollifield: Have I got a Venusian deal for you
Posted: September 12, 2013

Mars needs women – and men, for that matter – and more than 200,000 of them have applied to colonize the Red Planet through the Mars One Astronaut Selection Program, aiming to turn the fourth rock from the Sun into the peaceful paradise we’ve made of our own planet.

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