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Yes, it’s all fun and games at the local watering hole until a drunken monkey grabs a kitchen knife, threatens bar patrons, scampers onto the roof of the establishment and menacingly waves his blade around before firefighters eventually subdue him.
On March 5, an asteroid dubbed 2013 TX68 could plow into the Earth and destroy life as we know it, zoom precariously close to the orb we call home or miss us by a country mile.
Cows are stone-cold killers.
The good thing about living close to the newspaper office is that I can get to work no matter how treacherous the weather conditions.
While perusing the Internet for news on current events, insane comments on those current events and videos of cats playing pingpong, I came upon an attention-grabbing headline: “Head Transplant Performed on Monkey, Surgeon Claims.”
On Jan. 7, the U.S. Department of Agriculture unveiled the 2015-2020 Dietary Guidelines for Americans, a set recommendations “intended to help improve eating habits and, in turn, reduce obesity and prevent chronic diseases such as Type 2 diabetes, hypertension and heart disease,” according to the agency’s news release.
If you work for a company that forces you to clock out to use the bathroom, expect a memo like this in the very near future.
It is now 2016, and many readers – perhaps upwards of three or four -- are asking, “Scott, where is your annual list of predictions for the coming year, a throw-away holiday column you somehow manage to produce despite drinking massive quantities of high-octane eggnog and consuming enough sausage balls to choke a mule?”
Note: This column was first published in 2002.
Are you looking for the best in security for your home, business, South African air force base or Indonesian prison island? Then you’ll want to employ a crack squadron of deadly crocodiles, tigers, cheetahs and piranhas to keep the bad guys out – or, if you have an Indonesian prison island, in.
I’m a handy guy who likes to make an extra buck or two on the side. That’s why, in addition to newspaper editing, column writing and debt collecting for the mob, I have decided to start a limousine service to provide the finest in first-class transportation for weddings, bachelorette parties and Anthony’s mother’s birthday.
Semiconscious readers who aren’t too full of turkey (wild or otherwise) may recall last week’s column, a look at the 2015 Worst Toy List, Part One. It’s a holiday tradition that pretty much locks us into this, a look at the 2015 Worst Toy List, Part Two.
If there is a war on Christmas, then an army of dastardly and unscrupulous toymakers is plotting to sneak cheap plastic bombs under thousands of trees across this great nation ours.
A new brand of jacked-up peanut butter either “delivers protein, electrolytes, and caffeine, granting you hours of endurance and focus, and freeing you from distractions like hunger and fatigue,” as its makers insist, or will likely cause “an array of adverse symptoms like nervousness, increased heart rate and increased blood pressure,” if a U.S. senator is to be believed.
The old min pin rescue and I were heading down the mountain after dropping off the kid, who had cracked up her car in a collision days earlier, at her institution of higher learning where she is not, unfortunately, majoring in auto-body repair.
Hello. I am from the media and I am here to scare you. What is the latest frightening revelation guaranteed make you shake in your boots and wet your britches? It’s that bacon will murder you.
In the 1973 Southern-fried drive-in classic “White Lightning,” moonshining-ex-con-turned-federal-informant Gator McKlusky , as played by Burt Reynolds, has a tense stare down on a hick-town street with crooked sheriff J.C. Connors, as played by Ned Beatty.
I take letters and emails from readers seriously, and not just because many contain death threats. The correspondence can open a dialogue that helps the journalist better understand the reader and vice versa. Just the other day, I received the following email from a reader we will call Mrs. E:
Santa Claus isn’t coming to town. He’s already there and he runs the place, according to unofficial election results.
It’s an age-old question: When a monkey takes a selfie , who owns the copyright?
When news broke that a remake of the 1989 film “Road House” starring Patrick Swayze and Sam Elliott’s mustache was in the works with UFC champion neck-snapper Ronda Rousey taking over for the late, great Swayze and an-as-yet-to-be-named actor recreating Elliott’s mustache, I was immediately contacted by people who know my love for the original movie.
China has developed a squad of highly skilled bird-battling commando monkeys to make sure its military parade commemorating the 70th anniversary of the end of World War II isn’t disrupted by winged terrorists.
A Michigan-based company has produced what it describes as the world’s first fully handheld grab-and-go flamethrower on the market, a device that can shoot a stream of fire up to 50 feet.
As a responsible journalist, I would never want to unnecessarily alarm the general public with a dire prediction based mostly on speculation, but super lice may lead to the end of civilization as we know it.
It’s only a pair of flip-flops.
On a flight to Denver via Houston, I bravely declared myself volunteer air marshal and prepared to thwart a would-be terrorist — all four feet and 50 pounds of her.
It’s that time of year when I take a much needed and semi-deserved summer vacation, when the powers-that-be unshackle me from my desk in my dimly lit office and push me out the door and into the alley where I blink madly at the blazing July sun and curse the day I chose the life of an ink-stained wretch.
Sensing an opportunity to be artificially outraged and earn a huge cash settlement, I plunged head first into the Great McDonald’s Happy Meal Minions Controversy of 2015.
While gay marriage, confederate flags and law enforcement raids on the homes of fast-food spokespersons (you’re next, Ronald McDonald) make headlines, one important issue is being overlooked: America’s dangerous obsession with getting stuck in chimneys.
Paleontologists in Nuremburg, Germany, have discovered the bones of Grandpa Turtle, believed to be the creature from which all other turtles sprang — slowly.
Thunder Road, the massive wooden roller coaster that for years was the breath-taking, stomach-churning centerpiece of Carowinds amusement park on the North Carolina-South Carolina line, will soon make a final run before relinquishing its valuable real estate to newer, more modern thrill rides.
There is an effort underway to make steak the first official food of the United States of America.
This week, I don the hat of senior consumer affairs reporter – it’s a snazzy fedora I wear at a jaunty angle — and offer another honest, unbiased review of a product currently sweeping the nation, or one I just decided to buy on a whim that proved to be a piece of junk.
As the third most popular columnist regularly appearing in this award-winning publication, I believe I have an obligation to give readers what they want as long as it’s not for me to stop writing and take a long walk off a short pier.
When I found out my mom, a beautiful and vibrant woman who appeared younger than her 70 years, would soon die of cancer, it was on a cold February day with a few inches of snow on the ground.
Looking for love in all the weird places
What every office needs – a scorpion in a box
Move over bath salts and make way for flakka, the newest drug guaranteed to make those who ingest it run naked through a Walmart parking lot covered in neon green spray paint and chicken blood.
America – and I am specifically referring to the small portion of America that reads this column each week hoping to get the latest monkey news – the Monkey Action News Team failed you.
The Carolina Butcher was a fearsome beast.
It was the inevitable car-trouble phone call to a dad who had been dreading the inevitable car-trouble phone call.
New hospital recommendations: Dogs yes, cats no
According to new research, the risk of a heart attack is 8.5 times higher in the two hours following a bout of intense, fist-clenching rage than in the two hours following something less emotionally stressful, such as watching a monkey ride a dog like a horse on YouTube.
About 800 applicants to one of Carnegie Mellon’s esteemed computer science programs were thrilled to learn they had been accepted to the prestigious Pittsburgh-based university until they learned they were not.
According to legend, 19th century Prussian statesman Otto von Bismarck once quipped, “Laws are like sausages. It is better not to see them being made.”
In the dead of winter when the skies are gray and the cold wind cuts to the bone, what does an idea-depleted humor columnist struggling with seasonal depression do when staring at a blank Word document and facing an impending deadline?
Here is shocking news for anyone unfamiliar with both kids and restaurants named Chuck E. Cheese, Pizza Hutt, Pizza Inn, Little Caesars, CiCi’s or Papa John’s: Kids eat a massive amount of pizza.
I could not let Pete and Billie’s 25th anniversary commemorative wooden plaque sit there unclaimed at the end-of-the-line thrift store among the broken and bruised items.