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Scott Hollifield: These are a few of my favorite things (before a semi-deserved vacation)

It’s that time of year when I take a much needed and semi-deserved summer vacation, when the powers-that-be unshackle me from my desk in my dimly lit office and push me out the door and into the alley where I blink madly at the blazing July sun and curse the day I chose the life of an ink-stained wretch.

  • icon Posted: July 24

Recent Headlines

Friday 07/17/2015
Scott Hollifield: The Great McDonald’s Happy Meal Minions Controversy of 2015
Updated: July 17, 2015 - 2:20 pm

Sensing an opportunity to be artificially outraged and earn a huge cash settlement, I plunged head first into the Great McDonald’s Happy Meal Minions Controversy of 2015.

Friday 07/10/2015
Scott Hollifield: Chimney-related incidents on the rise, sort of
Posted: July 10, 2015

While gay marriage, confederate flags and law enforcement raids on the homes of fast-food spokespersons (you’re next, Ronald McDonald) make headlines, one important issue is being overlooked: America’s dangerous obsession with getting stuck in chimneys.

Monday 06/29/2015
Scott Hollifield: Catching up with Grandpa Turtle
Posted: June 29, 2015

Paleontologists in Nuremburg, Germany, have discovered the bones of Grandpa Turtle, believed to be the creature from which all other turtles sprang — slowly.

Friday 06/19/2015
Scott Hollifield: Thunder Road heading off to Memory Lane
Updated: June 22, 2015 - 5:54 pm

Thunder Road, the massive wooden roller coaster that for years was the breath-taking, stomach-churning centerpiece of Carowinds amusement park on the North Carolina-South Carolina line, will soon make a final run before relinquishing its valuable real estate to newer, more modern thrill rides.

Friday 06/12/2015
Scott Hollifield: Steak petition -- Let's get to the meat of the matter
Posted: June 12, 2015

There is an effort underway to make steak the first official food of the United States of America.

Friday 06/05/2015
Scott Hollifield: Do you still believe in Magic Hose?
Posted: June 05, 2015

This week, I don the hat of senior consumer affairs reporter – it’s a snazzy fedora I wear at a jaunty angle — and offer another honest, unbiased review of a product currently sweeping the nation, or one I just decided to buy on a whim that proved to be a piece of junk.

Friday 05/29/2015
Scott Hollifield: Mishaps with preserved brains are, in fact, uncommon
Posted: May 29, 2015

As the third most popular columnist regularly appearing in this award-winning publication, I believe I have an obligation to give readers what they want as long as it’s not for me to stop writing and take a long walk off a short pier.

Friday 05/22/2015
Scott Hollifield: The one who set me on the path to this
Posted: May 22, 2015

When I found out my mom, a beautiful and vibrant woman who appeared younger than her 70 years, would soon die of cancer, it was on a cold February day with a few inches of snow on the ground.

Friday 05/08/2015
Scott Hollifield: Looking for love in all the weird places
Posted: May 08, 2015

Looking for love in all the weird places

Friday 04/24/2015
Scott Hollifield: What every office needs – a scorpion in a box
Posted: April 24, 2015

What every office needs – a scorpion in a box

Friday 04/10/2015
Scott Hollifield: And now, an anti-drug public service announcement from the media
Posted: April 10, 2015

Move over bath salts and make way for flakka, the newest drug guaranteed to make those who ingest it run naked through a Walmart parking lot covered in neon green spray paint and chicken blood.

Friday 04/03/2015
Scott Hollifield: Monkey Action News Team MIA on breaking story
Posted: April 03, 2015

America – and I am specifically referring to the small portion of America that reads this column each week hoping to get the latest monkey news – the Monkey Action News Team failed you.

Friday 03/27/2015
Scott Hollifield: The Carolina Butcher, everyone’s favorite crocodylomorph
Posted: March 27, 2015

The Carolina Butcher was a fearsome beast.

Friday 03/20/2015
Scott Hollifield: A terrible noise can build character
Posted: March 20, 2015

It was the inevitable car-trouble phone call to a dad who had been dreading the inevitable car-trouble phone call.

Friday 03/06/2015
Scott Hollifield: New hospital guidelines say yes to dogs, no to cats
Posted: March 06, 2015

New hospital recommendations: Dogs yes, cats no

Friday 02/27/2015
Scott Hollifield: Anger doesn't make the heart grow fonder
Updated: February 27, 2015 - 4:53 pm

According to new research, the risk of a heart attack is 8.5 times higher in the two hours following a bout of intense, fist-clenching rage than in the two hours following something less emotionally stressful, such as watching a monkey ride a dog like a horse on YouTube.

Friday 02/20/2015
Scott Hollifield: Crushing hopes and dreams, one email at a time
Posted: February 20, 2015

About 800 applicants to one of Carnegie Mellon’s esteemed computer science programs were thrilled to learn they had been accepted to the prestigious Pittsburgh-based university until they learned they were not.

Friday 02/06/2015
Scott Hollifield: Oh, those pesky government hand-washing rules
Posted: February 06, 2015

According to legend, 19th century Prussian statesman Otto von Bismarck once quipped, “Laws are like sausages. It is better not to see them being made.”

Friday 01/30/2015
Scott Hollifield: We the people demand what?
Posted: January 30, 2015

In the dead of winter when the skies are gray and the cold wind cuts to the bone, what does an idea-depleted humor columnist struggling with seasonal depression do when staring at a blank Word document and facing an impending deadline?

Scott Hollifield: Who knew? Study says massive amounts of pizza could be bad
Posted: January 30, 2015

Here is shocking news for anyone unfamiliar with both kids and restaurants named Chuck E. Cheese, Pizza Hutt, Pizza Inn, Little Caesars, CiCi’s or Papa John’s: Kids eat a massive amount of pizza.

Friday 01/16/2015
Scott Hollifield: The thrift store ballad of Pete and Billy
Posted: January 16, 2015

I could not let Pete and Billie’s 25th anniversary commemorative wooden plaque sit there unclaimed at the end-of-the-line thrift store among the broken and bruised items.

Friday 01/09/2015
Scott Hollifield: Beware of killer bras and red-hot monkeys
Posted: January 09, 2015

Are you enjoying your Christmas gifts?

Friday 01/02/2015
Scott Hollifield: The 2015 Year in Preview
Posted: January 02, 2015

Better late than never, it’s once again time for my annual predictions for the coming year, an always welcome respite from the boat load of year-end stories about what happened when you already know what happened and would like to know what’s going to happen and just how deep it will get.

Monday 12/29/2014
Scott Hollifield: The saga of the aloe plant -- the rest of the story
Posted: December 29, 2014

It’s a Christmas miracle.

Friday 12/12/2014
Scott Hollifield: Dangerous toys 2014 -- the naughty list
Posted: December 12, 2014

Oh, you better watch out!

Friday 12/05/2014
Scott Hollifield: Make off like a Bandit at this auction
Posted: December 05, 2014

Burt Reynolds has a lot of stuff, but he will have less stuff Dec. 11-12 when Julien’s Auctions in Las Vegas sells off more than 600 items from the life and career of the 78-year-old mustachioed screen legend who may or may not need the cash.

Wednesday 11/26/2014
Scott Hollifield: Saying goodbye to an old, green friend
Posted: November 26, 2014

My work companion of 23 years, there to greet me every day, rain or shine or partly sunny with a slight chance of afternoon showers, is gone.

Friday 11/14/2014
Scott Hollifield: Alleged senior consumer affairs correspondent offers Black Friday tips
Posted: November 14, 2014

Black Friday, when excited shoppers trample to death slower excited shoppers to grab a Transformers Age of Extinction Stomp and Chomp Grimlock figure or a My First Disney Princess Frozen Snow Glow Elsa doll, is rapidly approaching.

Friday 11/07/2014
Scott Hollifield: Monkey Action News Team responds to urgent email
Posted: November 07, 2014

When I opened an urgent email from a reader named Debbi, I knew exactly what to do.

Friday 10/24/2014
Scott Hollifield: And now, a word from the Office Ebola Czar
Posted: October 24, 2014

Believing the Ebola outbreak had not caused a sufficient level of in-house panic among my co-workers, I recently named myself Office Ebola Czar and issued the following memorandum:

Tuesday 10/21/2014
Scott Hollifield: Caffeinated underwear? It doesn't work - so try this
Posted: October 21, 2014

When it comes to losing weight and getting into shape, caffeinated underwear is surprisingly no help at all, according to the Federal Trade Commission.

Friday 10/10/2014
Scott Hollifield: College tour leaves me in a school daze
Posted: October 10, 2014

In college today, magic boxes are stuffed with jumbo cheeseburgers and tiny bottles of energy.

Friday 09/19/2014
Scott Hollifield: Cookies are better from a dollar-store plate
Posted: September 19, 2014

Here is something I learned: When it comes to food, presentation is important.

Friday 09/12/2014
Scott Hollifield: Mater-haters putting the squeeze on ketchup
Posted: September 12, 2014

Ketchup is under attack and this time ISIS isn’t the threat, although they probably hate ketchup, too.

Friday 08/29/2014
Scott Hollifield: The portrait at the end of the line
Posted: August 29, 2014

I was at an end-of-the-line thrift store, the place where items that don’t sell at regular thrift stores go to be heaped into bins for one last public mauling before they chipped up, melted down or shot into space, though one of those final outcomes may not be as commonplace as the others.

Tuesday 08/26/2014
Scott Hollifield: First college class -- Light Bulbs 101
Posted: August 26, 2014

It was the first phone call home from our newly minted college student, coming less than 24 hours after we unpacked her belongings, shook her hand, wished her well and told her to write when she could.

Tuesday 08/19/2014
Scott Hollifield: On the road to higher education
Posted: August 19, 2014

Our daughter is inheriting my wife’s car to begin her college adventure.

Saturday 08/09/2014
Scott Hollifield: People will steal anything, but James Taylor fans won't steal these
Posted: August 09, 2014

As I have said before, people will steal anything.

Friday 08/01/2014
Scott Hollifield: Flashback 2001 -- cruel and unusual punishment
Posted: August 01, 2014

Editor’s note: Scott Hollifield was preparing this week for his daughter’s departure for college (weeping, writing checks, etc.) This edited column was originally published in 2001 when his daughter was 4 years old.

Friday 07/25/2014
Scott Hollifield: Space Q&A -- It's not rocket science
Updated: August 01, 2014 - 3:14 pm

Six days before the 45th anniversary of astronaut Neil Armstrong’s “small step” onto the surface of the moon, a NASA astronomer made a bold prediction.

Friday 07/18/2014
Scott Hollifield: Risky business at the CDC
Posted: July 18, 2014

The situation at the CDC isn’t A-OK and officials must take corrective measures ASAP before we all end up sicker than a DOG.

Friday 07/11/2014
Scott Hollifield: The great robot invasion has begun
Posted: July 11, 2014

As I predicted in a column back in July 1951 headlined “Robots will soon take over the world,” robots are taking over the world, or at least my portion of the world.

Friday 07/04/2014
Scott Hollifield: The soundtrack for our work lives
Posted: July 04, 2014

In nearly three decades at a small-town newspaper, the one true constant has been the blare of the police scanner.

Thursday 06/26/2014
Scott Hollifield: When the fireworks fizzle, a change is needed
Posted: June 26, 2014

Independence Day will soon arrive with a bang.

Thursday 06/12/2014
Scott Hollifield: And now, the rest of the story...
Posted: June 12, 2014

Update: Cosmically speaking, I am still $20 in the hole.

Thursday 06/05/2014
Scott Hollifield: Memo highlights stuff everyone needs to stop doing
Posted: June 05, 2014

Out in Spokane, Wash., Sheriff Ozzie Knezovich wants to make this perfectly clear: Serve and protect but keep your pants on.

Tuesday 05/27/2014
Scott Hollifield: No Bigfoot, maniacs or killers allowed
Posted: May 27, 2014

My daughter will graduate from high school on June 13 and leave for college in the fall. That’s given me the opportunity to take a look back at some old columns in which she was the reluctant subject. I hope you enjoy this one from 2004.

Thursday 05/15/2014
Scott Hollifield: Godzilla is back and he is lawyered up
Posted: May 15, 2014

What’s the most impressive thing about Godzilla?

Thursday 05/08/2014
Scott Hollifield: I can read people, kiddo -- sometimes
Posted: May 08, 2014

Twenty bucks later, I realize I may not be as good at reading people as I thought.


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