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Scott Hollifield: Second-grade lesson -- Not all Seuss is the same

I would rather hop on pop than run the circus.

  • icon Posted: March 04

Recent Headlines

Friday 02/26/2016
Scott Hollifield: Monkey Action News Team reminded of drunken monkey safety
Posted: February 26, 2016

Yes, it’s all fun and games at the local watering hole until a drunken monkey grabs a kitchen knife, threatens bar patrons, scampers onto the roof of the establishment and menacingly waves his blade around before firefighters eventually subdue him.

Friday 02/12/2016
Scott Hollifield: On March 5, we can kiss that asteroid goodbye
Posted: February 12, 2016

On March 5, an asteroid dubbed 2013 TX68 could plow into the Earth and destroy life as we know it, zoom precariously close to the orb we call home or miss us by a country mile.

Friday 02/05/2016
Scott Hollifield: Study says killer cows are udderly terrifying
Posted: February 05, 2016

Cows are stone-cold killers.

Friday 01/29/2016
Scott Hollifield: Coming to snowy terms with The Van Situation
Posted: January 29, 2016

The good thing about living close to the newspaper office is that I can get to work no matter how treacherous the weather conditions.

Scott Hollifield: Monkey Action News team probes head transplant
Posted: January 29, 2016

While perusing the Internet for news on current events, insane comments on those current events and videos of cats playing pingpong, I came upon an attention-grabbing headline: “Head Transplant Performed on Monkey, Surgeon Claims.”

Friday 01/15/2016
Scott Hollifield: Food for thought on the new dietary guidelines
Posted: January 15, 2016

On Jan. 7, the U.S. Department of Agriculture unveiled the 2015-2020 Dietary Guidelines for Americans, a set recommendations “intended to help improve eating habits and, in turn, reduce obesity and prevent chronic diseases such as Type 2 diabetes, hypertension and heart disease,” according to the agency’s news release.

Friday 01/08/2016
Scott Hollifield: Doing your business on company time
Posted: January 08, 2016

If you work for a company that forces you to clock out to use the bathroom, expect a memo like this in the very near future.

Friday 01/01/2016
Scott Hollifield: 2016 Year in Preview -- a blurry look into the future
Posted: January 01, 2016

It is now 2016, and many readers – perhaps upwards of three or four -- are asking, “Scott, where is your annual list of predictions for the coming year, a throw-away holiday column you somehow manage to produce despite drinking massive quantities of high-octane eggnog and consuming enough sausage balls to choke a mule?”

Thursday 12/31/2015
Scott Hollifield: Blast from the past -- Once upon a time on a snowy day
Posted: December 31, 2015

Note: This column was first published in 2002.

Friday 12/18/2015
Scott Hollifield: What a croc – keeping the peace with deadly beasts
Updated: December 18, 2015 - 6:03 pm

Are you looking for the best in security for your home, business, South African air force base or Indonesian prison island? Then you’ll want to employ a crack squadron of deadly crocodiles, tigers, cheetahs and piranhas to keep the bad guys out – or, if you have an Indonesian prison island, in.

Scott Hollifield: Limo service? Anything for Anthony’s MuM
Posted: December 18, 2015

I’m a handy guy who likes to make an extra buck or two on the side. That’s why, in addition to newspaper editing, column writing and debt collecting for the mob, I have decided to start a limousine service to provide the finest in first-class transportation for weddings, bachelorette parties and Anthony’s mother’s birthday.

Friday 11/27/2015
Scott Hollifield: A look at the 2015 Worst Toys list, Part 2
Posted: November 27, 2015

Semiconscious readers who aren’t too full of turkey (wild or otherwise) may recall last week’s column, a look at the 2015 Worst Toy List, Part One. It’s a holiday tradition that pretty much locks us into this, a look at the 2015 Worst Toy List, Part Two.

Friday 11/20/2015
Scott Hollifield: A look at the 2015 Worst Toys list, Part 1
Posted: November 20, 2015

If there is a war on Christmas, then an army of dastardly and unscrupulous toymakers is plotting to sneak cheap plastic bombs under thousands of trees across this great nation ours.

Friday 11/13/2015
Scott Hollifield: A controversy that sticks to the roof of your mouth
Posted: November 13, 2015

A new brand of jacked-up peanut butter either “delivers protein, electrolytes, and caffeine, granting you hours of endurance and focus, and freeing you from distractions like hunger and fatigue,” as its makers insist, or will likely cause “an array of adverse symptoms like nervousness, increased heart rate and increased blood pressure,” if a U.S. senator is to be believed.

Friday 11/06/2015
Scott Hollifield: A boy and his dog and the sound of silence
Posted: November 06, 2015

The old min pin rescue and I were heading down the mountain after dropping off the kid, who had cracked up her car in a collision days earlier, at her institution of higher learning where she is not, unfortunately, majoring in auto-body repair.

Friday 10/30/2015
Scott Hollifield: Bacon responds to latest allegations
Posted: October 30, 2015

Hello. I am from the media and I am here to scare you. What is the latest frightening revelation guaranteed make you shake in your boots and wet your britches? It’s that bacon will murder you.

Friday 10/23/2015
Scott Hollifield: The problem with drones and Chinese super dogs
Posted: October 23, 2015

In the 1973 Southern-fried drive-in classic “White Lightning,” moonshining-ex-con-turned-federal-informant Gator McKlusky , as played by Burt Reynolds, has a tense stare down on a hick-town street with crooked sheriff J.C. Connors, as played by Ned Beatty.

Tuesday 10/20/2015
Scott Hollifield: Typos and hyphens? They're all Larry's fault
Posted: October 20, 2015

I take letters and emails from readers seriously, and not just because many contain death threats. The correspondence can open a dialogue that helps the journalist better understand the reader and vice versa. Just the other day, I received the following email from a reader we will call Mrs. E:

Friday 10/09/2015
Scott Hollifield: Councilman Santa Claus is at your service
Posted: October 09, 2015

Santa Claus isn’t coming to town. He’s already there and he runs the place, according to unofficial election results.

Friday 09/25/2015
Scott Hollifield: Selfie control and monkey business
Posted: September 25, 2015

It’s an age-old question: When a monkey takes a selfie , who owns the copyright?

Friday 09/18/2015
Scott Hollifield: A flu season Q&A with an alleged interim chief medical correspondent
Posted: September 18, 2015

Flu season.

Friday 09/11/2015
Scott Hollifield: A 'Road House' remake? Bring it on
Posted: September 11, 2015

When news broke that a remake of the 1989 film “Road House” starring Patrick Swayze and Sam Elliott’s mustache was in the works with UFC champion neck-snapper Ronda Rousey taking over for the late, great Swayze and an-as-yet-to-be-named actor recreating Elliott’s mustache, I was immediately contacted by people who know my love for the original movie.

Friday 09/04/2015
Scott Hollifield: Chinese commando monkeys are on the job
Posted: September 04, 2015

China has developed a squad of highly skilled bird-battling commando monkeys to make sure its military parade commemorating the 70th anniversary of the end of World War II isn’t disrupted by winged terrorists.

Friday 08/28/2015
Scott Hollifield: Where there's smoke, there's a flamethrower
Posted: August 28, 2015

A Michigan-based company has produced what it describes as the world’s first fully handheld grab-and-go flamethrower on the market, a device that can shoot a stream of fire up to 50 feet.

Friday 08/21/2015
Scott Hollifield: Super lice? That's a real head-scratcher
Posted: August 21, 2015

As a responsible journalist, I would never want to unnecessarily alarm the general public with a dire prediction based mostly on speculation, but super lice may lead to the end of civilization as we know it.

Friday 08/14/2015
Scott Hollifield: In search of the elusive back-to-school flip-flops
Posted: August 14, 2015

It’s only a pair of flip-flops.

Friday 08/07/2015
Scott Hollifield: Tiny terror at 30,000 feet
Posted: August 07, 2015

On a flight to Denver via Houston, I bravely declared myself volunteer air marshal and prepared to thwart a would-be terrorist — all four feet and 50 pounds of her.

Friday 07/24/2015
Scott Hollifield: These are a few of my favorite things (before a semi-deserved vacation)
Posted: July 24, 2015

It’s that time of year when I take a much needed and semi-deserved summer vacation, when the powers-that-be unshackle me from my desk in my dimly lit office and push me out the door and into the alley where I blink madly at the blazing July sun and curse the day I chose the life of an ink-stained wretch.

Friday 07/17/2015
Scott Hollifield: The Great McDonald’s Happy Meal Minions Controversy of 2015
Updated: July 17, 2015 - 2:20 pm

Sensing an opportunity to be artificially outraged and earn a huge cash settlement, I plunged head first into the Great McDonald’s Happy Meal Minions Controversy of 2015.

Friday 07/10/2015
Scott Hollifield: Chimney-related incidents on the rise, sort of
Posted: July 10, 2015

While gay marriage, confederate flags and law enforcement raids on the homes of fast-food spokespersons (you’re next, Ronald McDonald) make headlines, one important issue is being overlooked: America’s dangerous obsession with getting stuck in chimneys.

Monday 06/29/2015
Scott Hollifield: Catching up with Grandpa Turtle
Posted: June 29, 2015

Paleontologists in Nuremburg, Germany, have discovered the bones of Grandpa Turtle, believed to be the creature from which all other turtles sprang — slowly.

Friday 06/19/2015
Scott Hollifield: Thunder Road heading off to Memory Lane
Updated: June 22, 2015 - 5:54 pm

Thunder Road, the massive wooden roller coaster that for years was the breath-taking, stomach-churning centerpiece of Carowinds amusement park on the North Carolina-South Carolina line, will soon make a final run before relinquishing its valuable real estate to newer, more modern thrill rides.

Friday 06/12/2015
Scott Hollifield: Steak petition -- Let's get to the meat of the matter
Posted: June 12, 2015

There is an effort underway to make steak the first official food of the United States of America.

Friday 06/05/2015
Scott Hollifield: Do you still believe in Magic Hose?
Posted: June 05, 2015

This week, I don the hat of senior consumer affairs reporter – it’s a snazzy fedora I wear at a jaunty angle — and offer another honest, unbiased review of a product currently sweeping the nation, or one I just decided to buy on a whim that proved to be a piece of junk.

Friday 05/29/2015
Scott Hollifield: Mishaps with preserved brains are, in fact, uncommon
Posted: May 29, 2015

As the third most popular columnist regularly appearing in this award-winning publication, I believe I have an obligation to give readers what they want as long as it’s not for me to stop writing and take a long walk off a short pier.

Friday 05/22/2015
Scott Hollifield: The one who set me on the path to this
Posted: May 22, 2015

When I found out my mom, a beautiful and vibrant woman who appeared younger than her 70 years, would soon die of cancer, it was on a cold February day with a few inches of snow on the ground.

Friday 05/08/2015
Scott Hollifield: Looking for love in all the weird places
Posted: May 08, 2015

Looking for love in all the weird places

Friday 04/24/2015
Scott Hollifield: What every office needs – a scorpion in a box
Posted: April 24, 2015

What every office needs – a scorpion in a box

Friday 04/10/2015
Scott Hollifield: And now, an anti-drug public service announcement from the media
Posted: April 10, 2015

Move over bath salts and make way for flakka, the newest drug guaranteed to make those who ingest it run naked through a Walmart parking lot covered in neon green spray paint and chicken blood.

Friday 04/03/2015
Scott Hollifield: Monkey Action News Team MIA on breaking story
Posted: April 03, 2015

America – and I am specifically referring to the small portion of America that reads this column each week hoping to get the latest monkey news – the Monkey Action News Team failed you.

Friday 03/27/2015
Scott Hollifield: The Carolina Butcher, everyone’s favorite crocodylomorph
Posted: March 27, 2015

The Carolina Butcher was a fearsome beast.

Friday 03/20/2015
Scott Hollifield: A terrible noise can build character
Posted: March 20, 2015

It was the inevitable car-trouble phone call to a dad who had been dreading the inevitable car-trouble phone call.

Friday 03/06/2015
Scott Hollifield: New hospital guidelines say yes to dogs, no to cats
Posted: March 06, 2015

New hospital recommendations: Dogs yes, cats no

Friday 02/27/2015
Scott Hollifield: Anger doesn't make the heart grow fonder
Updated: February 27, 2015 - 4:53 pm

According to new research, the risk of a heart attack is 8.5 times higher in the two hours following a bout of intense, fist-clenching rage than in the two hours following something less emotionally stressful, such as watching a monkey ride a dog like a horse on YouTube.

Friday 02/20/2015
Scott Hollifield: Crushing hopes and dreams, one email at a time
Posted: February 20, 2015

About 800 applicants to one of Carnegie Mellon’s esteemed computer science programs were thrilled to learn they had been accepted to the prestigious Pittsburgh-based university until they learned they were not.

Friday 02/06/2015
Scott Hollifield: Oh, those pesky government hand-washing rules
Posted: February 06, 2015

According to legend, 19th century Prussian statesman Otto von Bismarck once quipped, “Laws are like sausages. It is better not to see them being made.”

Friday 01/30/2015
Scott Hollifield: We the people demand what?
Posted: January 30, 2015

In the dead of winter when the skies are gray and the cold wind cuts to the bone, what does an idea-depleted humor columnist struggling with seasonal depression do when staring at a blank Word document and facing an impending deadline?

Scott Hollifield: Who knew? Study says massive amounts of pizza could be bad
Posted: January 30, 2015

Here is shocking news for anyone unfamiliar with both kids and restaurants named Chuck E. Cheese, Pizza Hutt, Pizza Inn, Little Caesars, CiCi’s or Papa John’s: Kids eat a massive amount of pizza.

Friday 01/16/2015
Scott Hollifield: The thrift store ballad of Pete and Billy
Posted: January 16, 2015

I could not let Pete and Billie’s 25th anniversary commemorative wooden plaque sit there unclaimed at the end-of-the-line thrift store among the broken and bruised items.

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