As we slog our way through a cold and dreary start to 2018, what’s the best way to beat those ol’ winter doldrums? For many people, it’s to get naked and raise hell.
Once again, we take a look at Nudity and Stupidity in the News, a semi-regular feature putting the spotlight on things that should have stayed covered up.
THE CHIP IS NOT A VOICE OF REASON – According to a Feb. 1 report from The Associated Press, a trusted source of nudity-related news since 1846, an aspiring comedian in Fort Lauderdale, Florida accused of robbing a bank, stripping off his clothes and running down the street throwing money in the air after the dye pack exploded has been found not guilty by reason of insanity.
The 26-year-old man told police a chip in his head told him to rob the bank to launch his comedy career, which confirms my suspicions I should never trust the chip in my head, which told me to bet on the Patriots to cover the spread and then rob a bank to launch my own comedy career.
NAKED TRIP HAS A SHOCKING CONCLUSION -- A driver in Putnam County, Florida – I’m beginning to notice a geographical pattern here – was arrested after crashing into a daycare center, continuing down the highway for several miles, hitting a tree and rolling her car, Fox News reported on Feb. 4.
“As the suspect exited the car, she was reportedly naked, and had to be subdued with a stun gun,” according to the story.
I’m no lawyer, but if I was I would counsel her to use the chip-in-the-head defense. It has a proven track record.
SLIPPERY WHEN STONED – According to a Feb. 7 AP story, an 18-year old Pennsylvania man (sorry, Florida) faces charges after police say he attacked his family while tripping on LSD and then resisted arrest while naked and covered in cooking oil.
Authorities said he destroyed the house while victims hid in the bathroom.
“The family dog bit (the suspect) trying to protect them,” according to the story. “When police arrived, they say he was naked, wearing only a sock, and covered in cooking oil. They say he was shot with a stun gun after refusing to comply multiple times.”
I don’t want to be critical of AP’s reporting, but technically, if he had a sock on, he wasn’t naked, no matter where he was wearing the sock. To be more accurate, he was “partially clothed” or “nearly naked” or “running around like a greasy madman letting it all hang out for the world to see until Deputy Perkins lit him up like a Christmas tree.”
EXTRA TOWELS FOR THE GYM, PLEASE – An Orlando, Florida man (welcome back, Florida!) was arrested after residents of an apartment complex saw him working out in their gym while naked, according to story from ABC 10.
The report said the suspect was riding a stationary bike, which means there was very little chance he would plow into daycare center and require stun-gun therapy.
Investigating deputies located the suspect a short time later allegedly performing a lewd act by the community pond. He was charged with disorderly conduct, indecent exposure and harassing the ducks. OK, one of those things he was not charged with.
It’s just the chip in my head told me a duck joke would be funny and perhaps jump start my comedy career. Again, I shouldn’t trust it.
DISORDER ON THE COURSE – An Arizona man faces charges after he stripped off his clothes, ran onto the green at the 17th hole during the Waste Management Phoenix Open golf tournament in January and danced in front of spectators, ABC 15 reported.
According to most in attendance, his performance wasn’t up to par.
And the chip says it is now time to stop.