Scott Hollifield: Monkey Action News Team lands new corporate sponsor
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Everywhere I go, which is mainly work, the convenience store and home, people ask me the same questions: What happened to the Monkey Action News Team? Were you disbanded and if so, why? Were you finally kicked to the curb by Fox News after so many years of bombastically twisting the truth?

The answer is, the beloved Monkey Action News Team was put hiatus due to budgetary concerns. But after a corporate sponsorship by Acme All-Natural Banana-Flavored Yogurt (“Introducing New Banana Frozen Yogurt Pops”) – which will in no way influence our unbiased coverage of all-things monkey – we are back in action.

As the theoretical cigar-chomping, hooch-swilling, skirt-chasing, cholesterol-lowering-medication-taking bureau chief of the Monkey Action News Team, who oversees the most dedicated fictional squad of investigative journalists ever assembled to bring to readers monkey-related news from around the globe, I gave the team the good news in a video conference call.

“Johnny! Rico! Sven! Lulu! Jaafar! Kichiro! Toots! Get back to the office and pronto!” I bellowed, summoning the gutsy, culturally diverse squad to the 64th floor of Heston Towers where for years we have covered some of the most important monkey news of the 21st century. “We’re back in the monkey news game, thanks to our new sponsor, Acme All-Natural Banana-Flavored Yogurt (‘Introducing New Banana Frozen Yogurt Pops’).”

“But chief,” said Rico, who apparently missed the memo about wearing pants during video conference calls, “by taking on a sponsor, won’t we feel pressure from our corporate overlords to pitch their product when we should present fair and balanced, unbiased, hard-hitting monkey news and nothing more?”

“Don’t you ever question my ethics, you ungrateful snot-nosed punk,” I snarled. “Now get in here on the double – and on your way, stop by the store and pick up some delicious Acme All-Natural Banana-Flavored Yogurt (‘Introducing New Banana Frozen Yogurt Pops’) – It’s magically delicious.”

“Chief, was that a product placement and did you steal the tagline from Lucky Charms?”

“Uh…no.”

Once in the office, the team went to work in an exhaustive search for the latest monkey news. Here is what we found.

From UPI: “Loose monkey spotted hanging out near Florida bakery.”

Personally, I don’t think it’s fair for UPI to make a judgment about the monkey’s morals, even if the monkey dresses provocatively and whistles at sailors, which it doesn’t according to the story. It just hangs around the bakery and stares at tourists.

An official with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission said the animal “is likely a member of a wild monkey population in Central Florida,” UPI reported. “The monkeys, native to Asia, are thought to be related to a group of monkeys brought to Silver Springs State Park in the 1930s as part of a river cruise attraction.”

That means at some point in the 1930s someone said, “You know what would make this river cruise more attractive? Wild, chattering feces-slinging monkeys.”

From CBS Philly: “Monkey slings feces that hits woman at zoo.”

“A Michigan zoo is considering raising the barriers on the monkey enclosure following a direct hit from one of the more notorious monkeys,” the station reported.

What could possibly ease this poor woman’s pain? I say Acme All-Natural Banana-Flavored Yogurt (“Introducing New Banana Frozen Yogurt Pops”) – It’s grrrreat!

From The Strait Times: “Joint team attempts to capture monkeys harassing residents” in Singapore.

The news agency said officers “tried to bait them with bananas and other fruit, sometimes placed on the ledges outside the high-rise units where the monkeys climb in through the windows.”

I suggest baiting them instead with Acme All-Natural Banana-Flavored Yogurt (“Introducing New Banana Frozen Yogurt Pops”) – the breakfast of champions.

And that’s all your monkey news for now. Join us again next time and be sure to check out our new sponsor, Silver Springs Chattering Monkey River Tours – where adventure is just a sling away.

Scott Hollifield is editor/GM of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. and a humor columnist. Contact him at rhollifield@mcdowellnews.com.