According to a new study, drug dealers are either reverse ageists, treating young people more harshly than their older counterparts, or they respect their buzz-seeking elders.
So, if you stereotypically drive slowly in the left lane with your blinker on for five consecutive miles, you may get a better deal on weed than the punk on the scooter who passed you on the right and flipped you the bird.
According to a new study published on the website addictions.com and reported by Rolling Stone and AARP The Magazine (OK, Rolling Stone reported it but AARP really didn’t, choosing instead a riveting expose on FICA), new code words are all the rage for buying illicit drugs and older people often get cut some slack for not keeping up with the latest trendy monikers. Also, anyone using the term “trendy monikers” can just forget about buying drugs altogether.
“To understand the kinds of verbiage people use to describe drugs today, and how prevalent they really are in the drug community, we surveyed over 2,000 people for their insight into these underground trends,” wrote the authors of the study which I swear is a real study and not something I made up for comedic purposes.
They list a number of drugs and what they are currently known as “on the street,” as Huggy Bear often told Starsky and Hutch. The celebrity names for drugs are Nixon (marijuana), Lady Gaga (cocaine), Kim Jong-Il (crack), Chuck Norris (heroin), Chris Farley (opiates), Nancy Pelosi (LSD), Mario (mushrooms), Donald Trump (meth), Ben Franklin (benzodiazepines), Malcolm X (ecstasy) and Justin Bieber (baby aspirin). One of those names is not in the actual study. It’s a test to see if you are still paying attention or if you are all gooned out on Ben Franklin.
According to the survey, “more than a third of participants between the ages of 18 and 29 told us they’d been denied drugs because they didn’t use the proper code words to describe them.”
The study indicated drug dealers seemed to go a little easier on those more likely to injure a hip than be hip.
“Older participants were less likely to be required to utilize slang terminology in order to purchase narcotics. Slightly more than one in four respondents between the age of 30 and 39 said they’d been denied drugs for not using the proper colloquialisms, while 14 percent or less of respondents between the ages of 40 to 49 or 50 to 59 said the same,” the authors noted.
If the study reflects reality, the following scenarios are commonplace:
Young Johnny pays a visit to his friendly neighborhood drug dealer.
“Hello sir, I would like to purchase a small amount of your finest marijuana,” he says.
“Oh gosh, I’m sorry,” replies the drug dealer, “but you did not use the current code word for marijuana so, according to the strict dealer’s ethical rules to which I adhere, I must say no. I suggest you don’t do drugs and stay in school.”
Johnny’s grandpa visits the friendly neighborhood drug dealer.
“What’s up, dawg? I’ll take some Doan’s Pills, a bottle of horse liniment and some reefer,” Grandpa says.
“Well…uh…on the marijuana, you didn’t exactly use the right code word.”
“What? Why, you little snot-nose punk. My ancestors smoked hemp with George Washington at Valley Forge, hit the peace pipe with Cochise and were extras in the movie ‘Reefer Madness.’ If I can’t get my buzz on for the Blue Oyster Cult reunion show I will beat you down to the ground with my cane and curb stomp you.”
“Sorry, sir. My bad. Here you go.”
“Thanks. And if my grandson Johnny comes around here, tell him not to do drugs and stay in school.”
Scott Hollifield is editor/GM of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. and a humor columnist. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.