Scott Hollifield: Once again, Nudity and Stupidity in the News

It may be the heat, it may be the humidity or it may be a startling lack of self control and/or common sense, but quite a few people are making headlines for shedding their tops, their bottoms or both this summer.

Once again, it’s time for a look at Nudity and Stupidity in the News.

BUT NOT WITH A DEADLY WEAPON: A former substitute teacher in Oklahoma pleaded guilty to an assault charge for doing a cartwheel in front of students while wearing a skirt and no underwear, according to a report from the Associated Press, the source I turn to for nudity-related news I can trust.

The former substitute was originally charged with indecent exposure, but agreed to a lesser charge in a plea arrangement. I suppose assault was the best they could come up with. The last speeding ticket I got was reduced to improper equipment, but that may not have worked in this case.

The story said she was charged in February after allegedly performing a cartwheel in which she exposed herself to a high school choir, which was likely not in the lesson plan submitted at the beginning of the year.

Reports the choir was rehearsing “Blown’ in the Wind” when the incident occurred could not be confirmed at deadline, mainly because I just made that part up.

THERE’S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS BUT DON’T SHOW THAT: A man who said he wanted to jump-start his comedy career robbed a bank in Fort Lauderdale, then stripped off his clothes after a dye pack exploded and began tossing stolen money at passersby as he ran down the street, the Sun Sentinel reported.

This was no crime of opportunity, but a well thought-out plan on par with the Brink’s job. According to the FBI, the man “decided to rob a bank, flee by running naked down the street while throwing the money stolen during the bank robbery to people, in order to begin his career as a comedian.”

Unfortunately, after his arrest, the only job he now qualifies for is substitute high school choir teacher in Oklahoma, but he can’t do a cartwheel.

EXCUSE ME WHILE I GET SOMETHING OFF MY CHEST: A woman in Massachusetts has been charged with assaulting an off-duty cop in a road rage incident. She reportedly “removed her shirt and ran topless at his vehicle, ran at his vehicle while holding the knife, held the knife while driving, and threw a cigarette at his vehicle,” the Cape Cod Times said in its story.

The woman racked up an impressive list of charges: three counts of assault with a dangerous weapon; carrying a dangerous weapon; lewd, wanton and lascivious conduct; operating under the influence of liquor, second offense; operating a motor vehicle with a suspended license; littering trash from a motor vehicle; possession of an open container of alcohol in a motor vehicle; and improper operation of a motor vehicle.

There was no indication the suspect was on her way to high school choir practice or a comedy-career launching bank robbery. Police are treating this as just a run-of-the mill, standard road-raging-topless-woman-knife-attack case.

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And, finally, in other news, I must address a controversy from last week’s column, which dealt with my daughter and her boyfriend’s dog escaping my care during a dog-sitting experience. I identified the pooch as an Akita.

“I loved it!” my daughter wrote in text message after reading the column online. “Buuut, she is a Shiba not Akita ;)”

While I believe the kid may be using alternative facts or perhaps even fake news along with a winky-face emoji, I stand corrected but hope to be cleared at some point by a special prosecutor.

Scott Hollifield is editor/GM of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. and a humor columnist. Contact him at rhollifield@mcdowellnews.com.