Scott Hollifield: The quest for Patrick Swayze's fighting sweatpants

Patrick Swayze's fighting sweatpants at Julien's Auctions.

Most of us can agree the 1989 film “Road House,” starring Patrick Swayze, Kelly Lynch, Sam Elliott, a dozen mullets and a monster truck, is the finest motion picture ever made.

And by most of us, I mean probably only me.

While my love for “Smokey and the Bandit,” the original “Mad Max” and John Carpenter’s “The Thing” knows no bounds, the celluloid masterpiece that ranks at the top, in all its absurd action-movie glory, is the tale of the philosopher/bouncer who tames the meanest bar in all of Jasper, Missouri while romancing a beautiful doctor lady who wears a dress that resembles a red checkered table cloth and battling the evil overlord who brought J.C. Penny to town.

When people say “Road House” is the “Citizen Kane” of barroom bouncer movies, which they don’t often say, I reply, “No, ‘Citizen Kane’ is the ‘Road House’ of newspaper tycoon movies” and they look at me funny and move away.

Patrick Swayze, sadly, died in 2009 before he could ever accept his long overdue Academy Award for Best Actor in the Finest Motion Picture Ever Made, which isn’t a category – yet.

Julien’s Auctions, the Los Angeles-based “Auction House to the Stars,” recently announced the Estate of Patrick Swayze Auction, offering scads of Swayze’s belongings and memorabilia and taking place on April 28. Would there perhaps be any “Road House” items among this treasure trove of all things Swayze?

Indeed there would be. In addition to Patrick Swayze’s slant-top desk, Patrick Swayze’s neck ties and Patrick Swayze’s “Skatetown USA” roller skates, up for bid was an item that any “Road House” fan would be proud to own – Patrick Swayze’s fighting sweatpants.

Item 133 in the online auction catalogue is a “pair of sweatpants with lace-up front worn by Patrick Swayze in numerous action scenes for his role as Dalton in the film Road House (United Artists, 1989).” The estimated going price is between $800 and $1,200.

These are not just sweatpants, these are the sweatpants. Swayze/Dalton wears them when he has is awkward fight /dance with ex-con Jimmy and (spoiler alert) rips his throat out.

“Swayze’s fighting sweatpants shall be mine!” I exclaimed, which frightened the dog that was with me in the room while I perused the online catalog. I imagined putting on the fighting sweatpants and seeking out the rowdiest bars to tame with Zen philosophy and roundhouse kicks.

“These are Patrick Swayze’s fighting sweatpants and I am here to clean up of this God-forsaken hell hole”

“Sir, this is Applebee’s.”

“I’m going to be nice until it’s time to not be nice because pain don’t hurt.”

“Sir, that sounds like random lines from ‘Road House.’ I’m going to have to ask you to leave before you rip someone’s throat out.”

“ Then I’ll take my riblets to go.”

The only problem is, with a mortgage and a kid in college, I can’t justify spending between $800 and $1,200 on Patrick Swayze’s fighting sweatpants no matter how many rowdy bars need taming. I considered setting up a GoFundMe page, but I can’t ethically use this column to promote my GoFundMe page to buy Patrick Swayze’s sweatpants with someone else’s money.

But I certainly can’t stop others from setting up a GoFundMe page on my behalf to buy Patrick Swayze’s fighting sweatpants. Not that I am suggesting that anyone should do that. But, you know, I couldn’t stop them.

In addition, I couldn’t stop anyone from having a fundraiser barbecue or car wash or bake sale or golf tournament to raise money to buy me Patrick Swayze’s fighting sweatpants. I just could not ethically suggest that in this column. But, you know, I couldn’t stop them.

Most of us can agree, though, I deserve to have Patrick Swayze’s fighting sweatpants.

And by most of us, I mean probably only me.

Scott Hollifield is editor/GM of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. and a humor columnist. Contact him at rhollifield@mcdowellnews.com.