Those who know me and still talk to me know I always wanted to be a wheelin’-dealin’ kiss-stealin’ gear-jammin’ coffee-slammin’ truck-driving daddy sweet talking every carrot-top waitress from the Queen City to Shaky-Town.
But the journalism gig came along and my long-haul trucking dreams faded like the CB radio craze. I figured I would never get the opportunity to tour this great land of ours behind the wheel of a sweet rig. But it appears that opportunity has finally pulled in to the terminal.
Oscar Meyer is hiring a driver for the Wienermobile.
Sure, it’s not a Kenworth or a Peterbilt, but it is an impressive vehicle and Oscar Meyer is offering someone the chance to drive it around the country (at least for one year).
The company is taking applications through Jan. 31 to become a “Hotdogger” starting this June and continuing for 12 months. The perfect Hotdogger, in addition to driving the Wienermobile, would “represent the Oscar Meyer brand as a goodwill ambassador through ra-dio and television appearances, newspaper interviews…”, according to the news release.
Here is a portion of the cover letter I plan to send a long with my resume and application.
Dear Mr. Meyer: It has come to my attention that you are currently seeking a driver for the legendary Wienermobile, one of the most iconic mobiles of all time, right up there with the Batmobile, the Bloodmobile and Mobile, Alabama, birthplace of Hall-of-Famer and real homerun king Hank Aaron.
I believe I am the perfect fit for this position. Having never realized my boyhood dream of trucking across the country, staying one step ahead of smokey and bantering on the CB about bear traps and wiggle wagons, I am certain that traveling for a year in a hotdog-shaped vehicle and touting the benefits of cylindrical processed meats on local TV would be the next best thing.
Of course, I don’t want to deny anyone else of realizing their own dream, so if you want to apply as well, send your resume to:
Attn: Hotdogger Position
560 E Verona Ave
Verona, WI 53593
UPDATE: Those sober enough to recall last week’s column may remember I wrote about a Texas woman banned from a local Walmart after drinking wine from a Pringles can, circling the parking lot on a store scooter and ducking into a nearby restaurant afterword.
The column concluded with the first verse of a song I came up with to commemorate the incident. Luckily, it struck a funny bone and not a nerve and plenty of people let me know they enjoyed it, including my new pal Tom Malishaucki of Glade Hill, Virginia, who offered to put it to music (and take half of any royalties.)
Others encouraged me to finish it, so here’s the latest lyrical incarnation of “Pringles Drinking.”
I was down at the big box/shopping for support socks
Wondering why I had the blues
Since my divorce I was single/been munching on some Pringles
And I figured I had nothing to lose
Grabbed two fifths of Boone’s Farm/one under each arm
Climbed aboard that ‘lectric cart
Circled round the parking lot/that engine getting red hot
Pringles drinking for my broken heart.
Pringles drinking – it’s really not as bad as it sounds
Pringles drinking –it’s salty but it still goes down
And soon you’ll be the talk of the town
In a minute there was Johnny Law/asking people what they saw
Pointing with his radar gun
I ducked into a Mickey D’s/ordered up a quarter cheese
Lamenting my new life on the run
The officer came busting in/I knew I was in trouble then
I’d had more fun than I could stand
He said you been banned from Walmart/for stealing that ‘lectric cart
And he took away my wine-drinking can
Scott Hollifield is editor/GM of The McDowell News in Marion, NC and a humor columnist. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.