As the interim senior holiday consumer affairs/vandalism correspondent for this award-winning publication, many people have asked me this question: What can I do on Halloween to keep those pesky little ghosts and goblins and future Supreme Court Justices from egging my Buick or toilet papering my yard?
For the sake of transparency, no one actually asked me that question and I am technically not the interim senior holiday consumer affairs/vandalism correspondent for this award-winning publication, but I will, to fulfill my contractual obligation to write 650 words are so about something, offer an answer. And that answer is, give out good candy.
Thankfully, the fine folks at CandyStore.com recently released their “Most Popular Halloween Candy by State Interactive Map” which helps us determine what passes for good candy in all 50 states.
“CandyStore.com analyzed 11 years (2007-2017) of exclusive sales data to determine the #1 Best-Selling Halloween Candy in Each State, as well as the runners up, in pounds of candy sold,” reads a news release, which also includes some sample headlines for a potential story.
• “11 Years of Data Reveal Your State's Favorite Halloween Candy.”
• “These Are the 3 Best-Selling Halloween Candies in Your State.”
• “Are Candy Corn Really Your Favorite Halloween Candy? 10 Years of Research Says YES.”
• “Want to Please Trick-or-treaters This Halloween? Give These 3 Candies.”
I didn’t say they were great headlines, like “HEADLESS BODY IN TOPLESS BAR,” I just said they were sample headlines from people in the candy business.
Turning to the interactive map at C andy S tore.com, I decided to highlight the top candies in the states in which this newspaper column appears, or appeared last time I checked. Sometimes, editors give in to reader demand and I am replaced with gardening tips written by a lady with 37 cats or a library column with a clever title like “Looks at Books.”
Here we go.
North Carolina – My home , t he good ol’ Tar Heel State, where our motto is, “Hey, get the hell out of this bathroom.”
According to the interactive map, M&M’s is the top candy (101,860 pounds sold) followed by Reece’s Cups, (92,437 pounds) and Snickers (52,372 pounds).
Again, for the sake of transparency, no one trick-or-treating at my house this year is getting any of that. I’ve got acorns that fell from the neighbor’s tree, some leftover packets of screws from a home-improvement project and maybe some Smarties.
It’s been a tough year and Halloween treats don’t grow on trees, you know – unless they are the neighbor’s trees.
Virginia – If Virginia is for lovers then Candy Store .com says those lovers are locked in a torrid affair with Hot Tamales (160,136 pounds), Snickers (132,370 pounds) and Tootsie Pops (64,494 pounds.)
South Carolina – When South Carolinians scream “Go Cocks!” they may have a belly full of Skittles (118,870 pounds), Candy Corn (97,610 pounds) or Hot Tamales (39,738 pounds).
Tennessee – In the Volunteer State, they raise their hands for Tootsie Pops (60,687 pounds), Skittles (34,832 pounds) and salt water taffy (17,251 pounds ).
Florida – While enduring nasty gubernatorial debates, Floridians may comfort themselves with Snickers (660,689 pounds), Skittles (578,790 pounds) or Reese’ Cups (214,314 pounds).
Alabama – If it’s sweet (home) it may be may be Candy Corn (62,067 pounds ) , Tootsie Pops (48,386 pounds or Hershey’s Mini Bars (39,391).
Nebraska – Yep, I’ve finally broken out of the South.
“I have been running your column in our paper, Scottsbluff Star-Herald, the last month and our readers have really enjoyed your writing,” Editor Brad Staman said in an email a while back.
So, what sh ould Brad give out to keep the Husker tricksters happy this Halloween? Candy S tore.com says salt water taffy (108,819 pounds), Sour Patch Kids (74,728 pounds) or Twix (24,433 pounds).
That’s about it for now, since I’m close to 650 words. Happy Halloween, kids, and enjoy those acorns.
Scott Hollifield is editor/GM of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. and a humor columnist. Contact him at email@example.com .