In this neck of the woods, we take Bigfoot seriously. He – or perhaps she – is a source of civic pride and an economic engine, serving as the foundation of the Western North Carolina Bigfoot Festival held in downtown Marion each and every September since way back in 2018.
So, we don’t look kindly on Bigfoot-related crime, the likes of which was perpetrated upon one Danny Shaw and family. As reported in the Tuesday, March 20 edition of The McDowell News, someone stole their 7-foot-tall metal Bigfoot silhouette, purchased at an auto fair in Charlotte, from their yard on or about March 13.
“It costs about $100, but it’s priceless to our family,” Shaw told the paper.
Priceless indeed. As a civic booster, Bigfoot aficionado and part-time vigilante, I am today writing the following open letter to the person or persons who stole Bigfoot’s silhouette.
Some readers, perhaps only Tim and Kenny, may recall a similar open letter I wrote back in December to the evildoer who stole the Baby Jesus from the First Baptist Church’s nativity scene, imploring the thief to bring it back. Unfortunately, some people who read the column, or just part of the column or none of the column, mistakenly thought I was making fun of Baby Jesus instead of blasting the idiot who stole him, which led to comments like this:
“It is ridiculous and disrespectful articles like this which is why I do not waste any of my money on this ‘newspaper.’ Some subjects don't deserve to be topic of your ‘humor.’”
And this one:
“This article is in mockery of Him. I pray God help you understand your foolishness.”
And let us not forget the succinct:
“Shame on you!”
Hopefully, this next message to a thief will be better received than the last one:
Hey, you no-good, dirty-rotten, Sasquatch-stealing-son-of $%!$, bring back that Bigfoot silhouette you stole. I’m serious. Here we are, a small town in the foothills of Western North Carolina, trying to establish ourselves as the Bigfoot capital of the southeast, a place where Bigfoot enthusiasts of every stripe, young and old, short and tall, Republican and Democrat, fans of Duke and fans of Carolina, can come together each and every September, put our differences aside to enjoy all things Squatch and you pull a bonehead stunt like this?
I don’t like thieves. Whether they are stealing my daughter’s plastic snow sled from her granny’s yard in the winter of 2006, kidnapping Baby Jesus from the First Baptist Church nativity scene Christmas of 2018 (again, for the record, I’m not condoning it, I’m condemning it) or ripping off Bigfoot’s silhouette in mid-March 2019, stealing is wrong. It makes me want to strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger, Samuel L. Jackson-style.
I don’t know the Shaw family personally, but I am sure they are fine folks, auto fair-going folks who like Bigfoot just as much as I do. They didn’t ask for you to sneak onto their property and steal their 7-foot-tall metal Bigfoot silhouette. We’re supposed to be a community united by Bigfoot. Any Bigfoot-related crime just serves to divide us. Simply put, it is wrong.
As a civic booster, Bigfoot aficionado and part-time vigilante, I could attempt to track you down and extract great vengeance with my furious anger, but all those people who yelled at me and wished for me to lose my job last December over the stolen Baby Jesus column have put the blessing of kindness in my heart.
I will give you the opportunity to return the stolen Bigfoot silhouette on your own without a Sasquatchian beat down. Just bring it back. Return it and we can again be a community united – not divided – by all things Bigfoot.
Scott Hollifield is editor/GM of The McDowell News in Marion, NC and a humor columnist. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.