Scott Hollifield: Stuff that stocking with subscription underwear

Still looking for that last-minute gift for someone special? Why not an underwear subscription?

Yes, it’s a real thing and Bloomberg Business had the details in a Nov. 30 report.

“Warren Buffett’s Fruit of the Loom is joining the subscription craze,” writes Matthew Townsend. “Guys can now get their boxer briefs from the Berkshire Hathaway Inc.-owned brand through a new subscription service called Fruit to Your Door. Shoppers can buy a six-pack of skivvies, among other products, and have them re-ordered every six months at a 30 percent discount. The program, available for men’s and women’s garments in the U.S., can also be gifted.”

Full disclosure before we proceed: Warren Buffett is my boss. The big guy. The head honcho. The el grande burrito. We certainly don’t pal around a lot. In fact, never. But had we happened to pass in the hall one day and he stopped, looked me up and down and said, “Why, here seems to be an entirely average and ordinary fellow. Let me ask you, son, what do you think of subscription underwear?”

I would have said, “Sir, I believe it is a fine idea. As long as it is not prescription underwear, which gets the insurance companies and all of those pre-existing conditions involved and suddenly a pair of boxer-briefs is $475 including co-pay. But subscription underwear delivered right to my door along with the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly and three credit card bills? Now, you’re talking.”

And then he would have slapped his knee, laughed heartily and said, “I like the cut of your jib, my good man. I think you have the kind of moxie we are looking for on the board of directors. Walk this way and we’ll find that corner office for you.”

Stunned at my good fortune, I would have decided to test my luck even further.

“You know, sir, most successful products have a spokesperson touting their benefits.”

“Hmmm. Go on.”

“Where would Priceline.com be without William Shatner? How many shoes would Nike have sold without Michael Jordan? How popular would trickle-down economics have been without Ronald Reagan?”

“I see. Tell me more.”

“Sir, I think I can be the face of subscription underwear.”

“You?” he would have sputtered. “Why, up until I stopped you a few moments ago in the hallway due to your entirely ordinary and average and frankly slack-jawed appearance to inquire about my subscription underwear idea I had never laid eyes on you before. Why would I entrust the success of a multi-million dollar subscription underwear campaign to someone of your lowly stature?”

And I would have summoned all the courage I could muster, looked him dead in the eye and said, “Because you need me. I’m not one of these fancy-pants millionaires who take meetings in hotel rooms wearing robes that accidentally fall open. I put on my breathable cooling cotton micro mesh knit boxers one leg at a time. I’m a working man, sir, and if subscription underwear is going to appeal to anyone but the elites of this world, a working man like me will have to stand up and say, ‘Mr. and Mrs. Middle America, you too can have underwear delivered right to your door, on your terms. No more shall you be forced to get in the mid-sized SUV and drive down to the big box store when you find a hole in your last good pair of tighty-whiteys because a brand new five pack of exposed waistband knit boxers available in extended sizes is at this very minute being delivered to your door by a trusted employee of the United States Postal Service.’”

And that was full disclosure before we proceed.

Anyway, subscription underwear is a real thing.

Scott Hollifield is editor/GM of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. and a humor columnist. Contact him at rhollifield@mcdowellnews.com.

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